Ladder to the Moon

I would like to climb a ladder to the moon
And gather all the stars away.
I'd put them in a mason jar
And give them to you for your birthday.
And if you were too far from me,
I would walk across the ocean 'til I'm blue
Just so that I would be next to you.
I would like to dance like sunbeams
So that when you see me
You'd be just as amazed as clouds
After a rainstorm.
And I would like to bend like a rainbow
So I could crown your beautiful head,
And I wish that I could be your sunshine
So that you would always have a need for me
Like I have a need for you.

Thoughts About Death and Dying

I have always known about death, it seems.  Death has always been a part of my life.  My pets died.  My grandparents died.  My brother was suicidal until this year when his girlfriend got pregnant with their son.

Death doesn't scare me.  What scares me even more about dying than not knowing what happens afterward is the thought that I may not be remembered.  I fear that I have not, that I will not leave a big enough impact on this world for someone, anyone, to find me worth remembering, worth telling their children about.

Death is inevitable.  Why would I worry about it except to contemplate the how and when?  I would rather live my life than fear its end.  I accept my mortality.  I plan do more, be more.  Because I fear not death, but a silent funeral home.

Dance Alone

And she dances alone
Because that's all she's ever known
But she doesn't have a care in the world
When she's dressed up from head to toe
All eyes turn to her
As she twirls more passionately
Than any man could ever make recur
The billows in her dress
And the shine in her eyes
Are love of self
And finding her own way to rise
She sweeps people off their feet
With her confidence
They follow numbly,
Unable to imitate her dominance
And those so envious
Sit back and call her conceited
But she can't hear them
When their words are so easily defeated
She glances this way and that
But no one else is needed
For this dance
Which she herself has completed

How Much

Oh you don't know
You don't know how much I want to hold you
How much I want to be held by you.
Talking with you is like walking in a dream.
And you're so tall but your hand fits mine like it grew there
And your legs are so long but they slow to my pace
Just like how your incredible mind
Can keep up with mine.
You're everything I want and I can't get enough of you.
Oh but you can't possibly know.
You can't possibly feel like you miss me too.
Because my rhymes aren't as beautiful as your eyes.
And my words don't flow smoothly from my lips like your hands flow down my spine.
And my phrases don't speak the volumes that your embraces do.
You're new and it's scary and I'm diving in head first.
But you're so sweet and caring
And I'm still learning how to love someone like you.
Learning how to love with everything I am.

Home

She feels so warm and safe
With his familiar scruff scratching her face
And his lips kissing her neck,
His face buried against hers
But she knows she'll have to leave.
And perhaps he's getting uncomfortable
With her hot breath leaving mist on his neck
And her hands raising goose-bumps on his spine,
But he just pulls her tighter
Like she's someone that simply was not made to be let go.
And she feels home.

Turn Again

Well, we all just take up
A little less space
When we're engineered
to fit that way
We win the war
But we lose the race
Wen we're all racing
to the exact same place.
And just in time
You lose your mind
But you're safe and sound
in this heart of mine
You'll never fall
all the way to the ground
I'll pick you back up
and wipe the dirt off your brow
They can't contain us
Because we're stronger than them
We have the strength
of a thousand men
And we're not dead
We're only sleeping in our den
And when we wake
We will shake the world
And it will turn around again.

Be Free

The world was not meant to be walked through someone else's footsteps.
If you only ever look at the world from another person's perspective you'll only see what's already been seen.
Just because you've watched the snow fall from the sky for twenty plus years doesn't make the first snowfall any less magical.
Just because gardening has been explained to you scientifically doesn't make the first bloom of the season any less important.
People see what they've been taught to see and don't look any further.
But if we never explore past our own backyards we'll never see any of the wonders the world has to offer.  Experience things for yourself and breathe in the air every day because the earth is constantly changing and no two days are the same.
You're never going to be able to go back to who you used to be, so accept who you are.
Live life the the fullest because you never know which day will be your last.
It's not worth it to refuse yourself the simple pleasures.
Stop and smell the flowers, so what if you're late for work?
The imprint that you leave here isn't going to be a perfect attendance record.
It's going to be the smiles and the laughs and the tears and sorrow.
It's going to be the impact that you've had on the people around you.
It's going to be the standard that you set one bar higher for everyone behind you.
It's going to be the memories left for generations.
If you live your life following someone else's footsteps you'll never make your own, and if you never make your own path it's as though you never left your home anyways.
Living in another person's shadow only allows for the boundaries of their own self-expression,
But your life can be endless and filled with infinite expansions on who you are.
You just have to break free of the mold.
You just have to live a life not led by a leader.
You just have to be your own leader.
Just be free.

Spring Day

Bow in my hair and
Shoes on my feet
Stepping in puddles
In the middle of spring.

Bow in my hair and
Shoes on my feet
Letterman's jacket
Warming my sleeves

Sun in my eyes and
Warmth in my toes
Tickling my senses
And teasing my nose

Flowers aren't blooming
The snow isn't gone.
Spring's around the corner
And winter's holding on.

Chocolate trees and
Candy-bare leaves
Icy walkways and
Snowflake lakes

Bow in my hair and
Shoes on my feet
Loving every sight
I see!

Bow in my hair and
Shoes on my feet
Letting the sunlight
Fill in me!

Here for Me

Sometimes I want to invite you over
Just so I can bask in your presence
I don't want to talk
I want to know that you're there to talk to
If I wanted
I don't want to go anywhere
I want to know that you're there to go someplace with
If we wanted
Because no matter how we change
We're always there for each other
And though we're not alike in the slightest
Somehow we always think the same
And you're the one who keeps me sane
When the chaos of the storm threatens to drag me in
You're the one who reassures me that everything's going to be okay
When it seems like I can't last another day
You're the rain cloud to my sunshine
And maybe we're not perfect
And maybe we don't have to be
Because maybe it's our faults that make us who we are
And maybe it's what we do wrong that makes us so right
And maybe we're just fine
With our faults and our issues and our complexes
Sometimes I just want to invite you over so I know
I know that someone will always be there for me
And you'll never leave me in the cold
You'll always offer me a helping hand
And whisk me away on your boat when the sea becomes too rough
You'll be there to tow me back in when I fly out too far
And always be ready to journey across the galaxies
When I open my mind to you
Sometimes I just need you
Because you're always here for me

Him

I'm like an addict and he's my drug.  When he's gone, I feel alone, sad, I crave him.  It hurts like a hole in my heart. And when I get that shot- that kiss, that touch, when I see his face, I know.  I know I'm hooked.  I am his.  And he is mine.  I don't want him to belong to anyone but me.

* * *

"I'm petty"
"You're perfect."
"I am unreasonable"
"You're incredible."
"I am self-centered"
"You are the center of my world."

* * *

He makes my tummy feel as though it has never tasted anything better than the butterflies fluttering about within it.

* * *

I spend my days waiting for the day I get to spend time with you, but I can't help thinking how endless time would be if I could spend every day with you.

* * *

He's a blue sky in winter
He's the sparkle in my snowflake
He makes sunshine out of cloudy days
And flowers from every storm
He's why I wake up in the morning
And get through every day
He's the sweetest piece of candy
He's my first breath of fresh air
He's beautiful and warm
And his smile lights up the dark
He's my perfect bright spot
In my world of night.

* * *

I wonder if you're still there
Waiting for me
Or if you've already moved so far
I hope that you're doing okay
I hope that sometimes you remember the good times
I hope that you learned something from me
I'm doing alright
I'm going to be okay
I remember all of the good times
I know that I learned from you
I hope you've gained some confidence
I hope you feel more sure.
I'm sorry we're not friends anymore
But I don't think we ever were.
I see you in the hallways
And it hurts me pretty bad
I'm getting over it now.
I'm still here, under all this pain
And the pain is fading
I'm feeling pretty good, most days.
I hope you're doing okay.
I hope you're having fun.
I hope she treats you well,
And that you remember to give her time.
I hope she makes you smile
I hope that you stay happy.
I'm sorry it wasn't right.
But it was time to put down the fight.

Steps to Becoming a Grown Up

1. Do your own laundry
2. Wash your dishes after you use them.
3. Make mistakes; learn from your own experiences.
4. Let your friends into your life.
5. Weed out the bad influences.
6. Experience heartbreak.
7. Give forgiveness and allow yourself to be forgiven.
8. Learn the difference between a compliment and an insult.
9. Find out what real love feels like.
10. Get a way to get around independently.
11. Learn how to trust.
12. Work hard for what you want.
13. Make your own money.
14. Balance your needs and desires.
15. Become financially independent.
16. Book your own appointments.
17. Choose to do the right thing on your own.
18. Accept good advice and respect constructive criticism.
19. Believe in your own abilities.
20. Rely on yourself.
21. Trust someone to take care of you, if you need it.
22. Make memories.
23. Understand differences of opinion are okay.
24. Look deeper than the black and white of the book.
25. Allow yourself to have fun.
26. Remember that the world was made in color, not grayscale.
27. Accept yourself for who you are.
28. Sort out your priorities.
29. Make your bed without being told.
30. Make promises and then keep them.

I wonder if people go through some sort of initiation ceremony into adulthood,
or if you just have to work your way through the pain and tears and heartbreak of adolescence.
I wonder if anyone is waiting on the other side to welcome you in,
or if it feels just as lonely.
I wonder if being a grown up empowers you,
or if the suddenness of being allowed to make your own decisions cripples you.
I wonder if everyone grows up eventually,
or if we're too scared to let go completely.
I wonder if the people that seem so grown up, so frighteningly mature, wish that they had stayed children,
or if they wish they could've become the artist they wanted to be instead of the CEO they became.
I wonder if grown ups know what they are doing,
or if they're just as clueless as any of us.
I wonder if the meaning of life suddenly becomes clear when you're an adult,
or if you're still stuck, feeling like you've been wandering in circles forever.
I wonder if becoming an adult grounds you to where you are,
or if the wanderlust is amplified.
I wonder if the adults wish that they hadn't settled down because it seemed time,
or if they wished they could've made more mistakes in their lives.
I wonder if the mistakes you make a permanent when you're an adult,
or if you're still allowed to learn from them.
I wonder if anybody grows up at all.  It doesn't sound very fun.  Why do we all race towards the unknown when if we really knew what it was like, we would sit back and enjoy the ride. I wonder if someday I'm going to wish that I'd stayed a child, instead of aspiring to be a grown up just so that I could have my own freedom.  Is the freedom worth the cost?  Is the freedom of driving a car worth losing the freedom of expression or the freedom of free time?  Is the freedom of spending your own money worth the cost of  abandoning your childhood dreams?  Is the freedom worth the cost?

Epidermolysis Bullosa

   I, a girl of sixteen, walked painstakingly to the grocery store, wrapped fingertips to toes in cotton wool. I gingerly opened the heavy oak door, causing the overhead bell to jingle obnoxiously.  My feet burned already with the incessant blisters I would need to treat later with my bleeding fingers, already cracked from the force of opening the door.  

   I turned carefully down a crowded aisle and attempted to avoid the inevitable bumping of their skin against mine. I, of course, had trained myself to pretend long ago that I did not feel my skin being torn off with the lightest of friction. The fragility of my butterfly wing skin had caused me constant, unrelenting pain since the very day of my birth. I had subsequently been covered in innumerable salves and bandages since. I arrived at my point of destination and grasped firmly and achingly a large bottle of brandy.

   The whiskey on my breath and in the sores of my mouth haunted me as much as the accusatory glares of the customers at my under-aged drunkenness. With some difficulty, I placed the liquor on the shiny counter and the money next to it. The clerk gave me a kind look but I could hardly see it for the burden ahead of me.

   I carted home my whiskey and poured myself a glass. Its pungent distraction soaked up the pain from my blistered feet to my exuding finger joints.  As it seeped into my heart, taking from it the everyday ache, I assuaged my coiled muscles and began to drift, pouring myself glass after glass as I finished them off.

   The burn in my throat was a relief to me. My eyelids blinked heavily and before they closed I saw passing before my bleary vision a free, weightless butterfly, whose wings softer than dust, propelled it along. I shed my lids upon my cheeks and closed my eyes for the last time and the pain faded from me, a smile lingering on my tingling lips.

Ballerina

pretty ballerina
dancing on the floor
the lights go dim
as she pirouettes across her stage
her eyes are only for one face
they meet only one other pair
she looks over and sees her standing there
so fluid in her movement
so graceful in her dance
but still she is only in herself entranced